You are all hereby sworn to secrecy as I let you in on the evil plot of
BMW planners to increase their market share beyond all expectations.
Have you not noticed other cars now sprouting Bangle Butt decklids?
Stupid unimaginative Japanese-looking front ends? Surface development
purely because they *can*? All the other car companies pretending to
be BMW are flocking behind Bangle designs like the zombified consumers
he 'expects' us to be. Well, folks, I'm here to tell you it's all a
ruse. A cruel mean trick, to be sure, but necessary. BMW isn't that
stupid! They know their designs suck out loud and that we all hate
them. But just wait until Chevies come with GM's version of IDrive ...
When the Hemi goes electronic throttle and the 300 looks like a 545i
... Just wait!
BMW is watching carefully and, when all the others are lulled into a
sense of security ("All of *our cars* look like Chris Bangle designed
them!"), BAM! The new product lineup:
The New 2 will be based on freshened-up 2002 body dies to replace both
the 1 Series (four cylinders) and the 3 Series (six cylinders). There
will be a proper Touring wagon instead of the old 3-door hatch, with
optional AWD (replacing the only slightly-repugnant X3) using the
1800/2000's four doors and a wagon rear.
The 'Dame Edna' 5er will be replaced with the E28! Obviously, the E28
Touring body will be offered in both RWD and AWD (replacing the X5).
Drivetrain engineering shortfalls will be made up out of the savings
from no-longer-employed designers like Chris hisownself. Wait until
you see what the V-10 can do in a 3400-lb New Millenium M5 ...
The 7 Series will be based on the current Rolls because those customers
have no taste anyway ...
The Z4 underpinnings will fit nicely under a resurrected 507 body - and
get a bigger trunk, to boot (pun intended)!
With these in the showrooms, Bangle-butted car sales grind to a halt,
putting thousands of Japanese and American dealerships out of business.