New GM CEO (tongue firmly in cheek)
Seeking to improve quality, reduce costs, streamline internal operations
and boost morale, GM rolled out a new CEO, Mike Hunt-noted authority on
anything with more than 1 wheel.
"The automotive industry is an incredibly competitive one and it
is necessary to assure that our competitive position in the Global
Economy is top notch to ensure long term fiscal viability," said Mike
Hunt (alias Vlad “The Impaler” Dracula), standing by the newly installed
flogging posts behind, far behind, Ren Cen. "The end result should be a
leaner, stronger, more responsive and more quality oriented GM.
More Team reassignments and floggings are planned in the near
future, with over $2.3712990416 in cost savings over the next 18 months
through floggings at stand-ups, threats, early-reassignment incentive
packages, pneumatic bolt guns and increased productivity and terror.
Addressing Team Members at Boot Hill , Mike said he is "extremely
excited about the positive impact these changes will make."
"After a 93.716% drop in upper management morale over the last
four quarters, we knew we had to shake things up," said Vice-President
of Human Resources, Quality Improvement Assurance and Torture Person
Simon “The Whip” LeGree. "Once we made the decision to flog Team Members
our priority was to do so in the quickest and most efficient way
possible. I believe we accomplished this. This baseless whining of
Team members over supposed machine, management and material failure, and
increased paperwork, is utterly baseless, just another way for them to
avoid efficient and proper utilization of the excellent equipment,
materials and management leadership provided to them by the Support Staff.”
Simon expressed regret that he was unable to provide the Team
Members with greater than the customary 10 seconds notice before their
notification of their attitude adjustment lessons far behind Ren Cen (in
the sound proofed area) prior to the upcoming surprises.
"Whenever we surprise Team Members, we try to let them know well
in advance, at least 10 seconds, so they have ample time to make sure
that their affairs are in order and they have plenty of time to freak
out. After all, said Simon, “if GM wanted them to have families to
worry about GM would have had them go down to the Supply and draw a
family or a fiancé". "But in this case we unfortunately couldn't,
because we really needed to have them working hard right up to the
minute we assembled them at Boot Hill to tell everyone that their new
residence and mailing address was the third sub-basement of Hell.
Simon LeGree said GM has no plans to offer the reassigned Team
Members once a year conjugal visits with their former families” claiming
it would be "of little use to them to have a significant impediment to
focusing their total attention on greater production." He thanked the
Team Members for their many days of loyal service to the Greater Glory
of GM and expressed hope that they ultimately enjoy their new quarters
in the storage racks, break room (the hot bunk system will be used),
Maintenance Area, tornado bunker or the compactor, finding themselves in
even better places than their former homes. Such impediments to greater
production have now been removed.