Tools, and what they do a.. HAMMER Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. b.. MECHANIC'S KNIFE Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers. c.. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle. d.. PLIERS Used to round off bolt heads. e.. HACKSAW One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. f.. VISE-GRIPS Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. g.. OXYACETELENE TORCH Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell. h.. DISPOSABLE PROPANE TORCH Poor substitute for oxyacetelene torch. i.. ZIPPO LIGHTER See oxyacetelene torch. j.. WHITWORTH SOCKETS Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems(and wacki-tabaccie) from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason. (Although some people doubt the existence of Whitworth sockets, one set is still known to exist and is on exhibit at the British Heritage Museum.) k.. DRILL PRESS A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder. l.. WIRE WHEEL Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt." m.. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK Used for temporarily raising a wheel into the air to enable you to swap a wheel. As the seals on the hydralic ram weep, the jack imperceptibly lowers over time, which means that you need to re-pump the jack to get the new wheel back on. n.. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4 Used in place of a Hydralic jack, however requires a weight on the far end to stop it returning to it's start position. (children and un-interested partners are usually not suitable for this task, as they wander off at the drop of a hat [or, more likely, spanner]) o.. TWEEZERS A tool for removing wood splinters. p.. PHONE Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack, or if he can lean on the eight-foot long timber beam. (I say "he", as the chances of phoning a "she", and getting a positive response is, realistically, small) q.. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. r.. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. s.. TIMING LIGHT A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys. t.. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. u.. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. v.. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. w.. AVIATION METAL SNIPS See hacksaw. x.. TROUBLE LIGHT The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Somme. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. y.. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. z.. AIR COMPRESSOR A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 to 50 years ago by someone in Birmingham or Solihul, and rounds them off. aa.. NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS Used when futilely/desperately attempting to retrieve small components which have fallen into a hidden crevice within the engine bay. In an emergency, can be used to round off bolt heads. ab.. SOLDERING WIRE (SILVER) Although this item was designed before the invention of plastic, it's main use is as a replacement for twist-ties. ac.. STAPLE GUN Invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This tool should never be used for trying to attach one item to another as staples are not made in that size. ad.. BALLPEEN HAMMER Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by Fransco de Gama in
1602, the ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen had not yet been invented, and the paractice of hitting yourself in the balls had already been perfected by the Druids, using a variety of devices. Ballpeen hammers are now used by those with steady hands to swat flies. Also used as a universal centerpunch, and for turning fingernails black. ae.. CHROME SOCKET SET When used as directed by manufacturer, will effectively strip the thread from any known bolt. Older bolts can be made to snap off flush with their retaining holes. (See E-Z OUT). The metric sizes are good for rounding off bolts on older American and English cars, and most Australian cars. Whitworth sets are rumoured to exist, but this has never been confirmed outside of Britain. af.. CHROME SOCKET SET RATCHET A good substitue for any hammer.- posted
18 years ago
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I would add POP RIVETER Device for producing blood blisters on the webbed bit next to your thumb or removing quantities of skin in handy pieces. Derek