Twaldron's day of wheeling

Just imagine, if twaldron took his own wheeling advice......

It was a fine spring morning and twaldron was thrilled to be hitting the trail for a hard day of wheeling. He set out for the trailhead in his shiny new jeep liberty. Joshua had tried to tell twaldron that the newer jeep models such as the Liberty weren't quite as capable as the older YJs and CJs, but twaldron knew better. "Newer is better!" he remarked to himself as he lovingly caressed his leather-wrapped steering wheel.

Twaldron had stuck with the stock suspension and tires on his KJ, because as he had frequently told Joshua, lift and clearance are not even remotely the most important considerations when wheeling. It's all about driver skill! And twaldron was sure he had plenty of that.

Besides, the modifications he did have were truly amazing. The Liberty was powered by a mighty 2-cycle 1-cylinder Briggs and Stratton engine, because twaldron knew that extra cylinders were good for nothing. Twalrdron laughed amusedly to himself as he thought about pathetic Joshua, stuck with a miserable V-8 engine, when he could have done just as well with far fewer cylinders. And the awful fuel economy and damage to the environment that Joshua incurred! What a Luddite, twaldron tut-tutted to himself, as he glanced admiringly at the "Greenpeace" and "Earth First!" stickers adorning his own windshield. "I do just fine with my single cylinder," he told himself. (And truth be told, it was somewhat impressive: It was the largest sized 1-cylinder that could be found, since twaldron held the somewhat strange combination of views that fewer cylinders were better, but there was no replacement for displacement.)

Finally, twaldron reached the steep incline of a rocky slope and started up the embankment. Snap! Crunch! Twang! Ka-ching! "Uh oh," twaldron thought, as the Liberty came crunching to a stop a short way up the hill. He got out and looked at the Liberty, and noticed numerous fluids pouring from the underside of the jeep. "Damn the luck!" he thought. "I'm going to have to winch up the side of this hill!"

As luck would have it, a group of Jeepers were passing along the top of the ridge, and happened to look down and notice twaldron flailing on the rocks. One of them had a winch, and offered to pull twaldron up the slope. "Well," said twaldron, "how big is your winch?"

"It's rated 8000 pounds!" came the reply.

"Hmph!" snorted twaldron. "You think I'm an idiot? You think a mere

8000 lb winch can pull my 3500 lb KJ? You need a winch capacity at least 500 times the weight of the vehicle. Piss off, you morons!"

So the jeepers at the top of the ridge drove on past. The hours began to pass and though several groups of drivers stopped to offer help, none had a winch satisfactory to twaldron. (One fellow with a 14,000 lb winch did happen by, and twaldron briefly considered accepting his help, but it turned out the fool had used radio shack fuses to wire up the winch, and twaldron wasn't going to risk his jeep on such plainly inferior products.)

So twaldron gave up the idea of winching, and decided instead to ask for someone to simply tow him up the side of the incline with a tow strap. But again, he had the horrible luck of nothing but inferior vehicles coming his way. TJs, YJs, CJs, and a couple of Cherokees and Land Rovers all drove by and offered to tow him up the hill, but twaldron knew better than to accept help from such light vehicles. Why, their wheelbase, brakes, and drivetrain were simply not up to the task of towing a 3500+ pund vehicle. My goodness, it said so right there in the manufacturer's manual, after all!

Joshua had previously tried to tell twaldron that for short distance towing on back country roads it was ok to exceed Chrysler's instructions, but twaldron knew that was horse puckey. "You f****ing dipsh**ts think it's safe to tow a KJ with a CJ?" he said incredulously to one particularly stupid group of drivers, "You're obviously not the supreme off-roading expert that I am!"

By now it was evening and the sun was starting to set. Still, nothing but vehicles unacceptable to twaldron's standards came by. And then, at long last, god smiled on twaldron, and a Ford F-550 diesel truck was spotted meandering along the top of the ridge. Twaldron was beside himself with joy; here at last was someone worthy of helping him up the trail. He flagged the driver down and asked for his help.

Once they got the tow strap tied off to both vehicles, it was time to set up the safety equipment. "Only a fool such as Josh thinks that it's ok to bypass state law and common sense safety regulations for a short distance tow!" twaldron said smugly to himself. So he proceeded to hook up emergency lights to the tail of his Libby, then wire them to the F-550's electrical system. Next it was time to interconnect the brake lines, and to disconnect the driveshafts and unlock the hubs as was mandatory for a flat tow. Then he flagged down a couple of escort vehicles to drive before and after with signal flags and flashing lights. (They were plainly inferior CJs, but they were only escorts, after all, and it was now nearly midnight and twaldron had lost patience with waiting around for other worthy drivers of his caliber.)

At long last, the F-550 began to pull forward at the top of the hill, and the Libby began to move. Crash! Snap! Twang! went the sounds of the Libby's undercarriage breaking against the rocks, but at least he was moving. Finally he got to the top of the hill, and after two more hours of disconnecting all the safety equipment and reconnecting his driveshafts, he thanked the other drivers and sent them on their way.

Another hill conquered! All was right with the world, and twaldron, expert four-wheeler, was delighted with his wheeling prowess. He smiled happily to himself, and began the long walk to a phone booth to call a tow truck to get his Liberty home.

Reply to
Joshua Nelson
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LOL! Look Joshie, if you're going to compete with me using stories, let me let you in on an industry secret. Satire is based on FACT. Now, I can supply plenty of examples of you eating shit on the NG, but you have to realize that the shit eating was only symbolic of your incessant desire to never admit when you are wrong, even when hit over the head by hammers from the entire NG. You post drivel and you deny its drivelesque qualities to the bitter end. THEN, once everyone gives up, you declare victory. LOL!!

Now show me ANYWHERE where I stated ANYTHING about a KJ being superior to ANYTHING. Show me where I said ANYTHING about a smaller capacity winch being better for recovery. Nor have I ever stated that SWB Jeeps are inferior to any other kind of Jeep or 4WD for that matter, nor that 'stock is better', etc. etc. etc.! :)

Heh! You certainly have a propensity for showing your ass, the problem being, it's heavily pimpled and quite offensive. At first I thought you were a troll, but I'm beginning to think you are for real.

You merely make idiotic statements as though fact (i.e.. YJs were harder to modify than CJs and TJs were harder to modify than YJs, V8s are better offroad, emission controls make offroading a nightmare, etc. etc. ad nauseum) I laugh at your statements, but it's not the actual statements that you make which are so funny. (There are a lot of people who don't know much about Jeeps, travis, for one, but he asks questions and takes advice. He certainly knows how to admit when he's is wrong. travis would be a pleasure to wheel with.) What makes you so laughable is your idiotic statements and the fact that you DEFEND them to the death. This is what makes you a joke. Now, the harm it causes is that the OP was asking a serious question. He doesn't know you are an eskimo piehead and might actually BELIEVE your statements. People come to the NG for advice to make an intelligent purchase or mod. They don't need your input, but then, who does???

So....don't be obtuse and work on your creativity a little, it's quite trite and boring. Get some FACT in there. Use some additional characters so it doesn't quite look like a personal attack. Your characters should also reflect the person you are trying to satirize or it just doesn't work. Try to use humor. All the most entertaining stories have some level of humor. (BTW, humor means 'funny'.) C'mon! WORK WITH ME HERE!!!

I await your next pearl.... :)

Joshua Nels> Just imagine, if twaldron took his own wheeling advice......

Reply to
twaldron

On Mon, 20 Oct 2003 14:58:57 GMT, twaldron shared the following:

Hey, thanks. I just took Mike Romain's advice on recentering my steering wheel even. :-) I was trying to pull the steering wheel off and reposition it (because that's the way I'd have done it to fix that problem on my VW..and I didn't know any better.) I just now (on my lunch break) went outside and found the steering box and saw the 2 bolts/nuts that Mike referred to and the threaded portion of the drag link that would allow me to make the adjustment. It worked like a charm! Thanks, Mike! Mine was WAY out of adjustment. I had to turn that center section about 4 complete turns to get the steering wheel perfectly straight. Sheesh. I also got the blower motor working again for the heater (found a disconnected ground wire), got the windshield wipers working, and wired up an extra horn since the stock horn sounds really weak. Changed the oil yesterday and also went offroading (pictures to be posted soon). Next weekend I'm going to change the fluid in the front and rear diffs and the xfer case and strongly consider painting the beast... It's really coming along. If I can just get my speedo to work (I found the problem...it keeps coming undone at the xfer case end... a P.O. crossthreaded the connection so I need a new cable housing. That thin aluminum end is all stripped out on the one I have.) And need to fix that darn fuel gauge... I'll get it... I'll get it... :-) Having said all of that, I have to admit that I got a chuckle out of Josh's post, but I've laughed at your posts too (in a good way), twaldron. I don't know you guys and this group well enough to pass judgement on anyone out here so I'll just sit on the sidelines for now and read and laugh and learn.

-- Travis

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meek shall inherit the earth. After I'm finished with it.:wq!

Reply to
travis

Just imagine, if little Joshie didn't have everything undersized, like his age, his winch, his capacity for understanding Jeep things, and his sense of humor. Give it up, kid. At least twaldron's stuff is FUNNY!

108 lines of boring yawnfest SNIPPED.
Reply to
Cal Wheeler

SAD... At least try to be original...

Reply to
Joe

twaldrone, I will reply by using your quotes:

: What makes you so laughable : is your idiotic statements and the fact that you DEFEND them to the : death. This is what makes you a joke.

("it's" is never possessive)... but in your defense:

: So....don't be obtuse and work on your creativity a little, it's quite : trite and boring. Get some FACT in there. Use some additional characters : so it doesn't quite look like a personal attack. Your characters should : also reflect the person you are trying to satirize or it just doesn't : work. Try to use humor. All the most entertaining stories have some : level of humor. (BTW, humor means 'funny'.) C'mon! WORK WITH ME HERE!!!

******Frankly, I found his story more believable and enjoyable. This is an unbiased opinion because I think you're both pinheads for contributing to past flame wars and on the other hand I like both of you for your occasional sensible contributions. I found your closing statement to be rather contradictiory..."work on your creativity a little, it's quite trite and boring. Get some FACT in there."

-Brian (I should be doing something more constructive with my time)

Reply to
Cherokee-LTD

Sorry, don't understand your post. Are you saying that I should NOT have admitted my error regarding Lon's 'its' post? I admitted my error once it was pointed out to me that I was in error and I actually researched it. I've never seen your friend do that.

For some> twaldrone, I will reply by using your quotes:

Reply to
twaldron

Yes,but thank God you aren't being a pinhead by contributing to any flame wars! ;-)

Reply to
Cal Wheeler

Reply to
twaldron

No, I didn't mean that at all, I was giving you credit for owning up to it...

(your comment implied that you were acknowledging your mistake)

I do spend too much time.... I've limited myself to reading 3 newsgroups while waiting for payments to appear in my inbox. I'm chained to this friggin' computer on certain nights and find myself replying to threads I don't really give a rat's ass about.... it passes the time. At the risk of stirring things up, you never did comment on the crescent sun issue:

-Brian (checking my pulse for signs of life)

Reply to
Cherokee-LTD

Ah, OK, missed that...thanks.

You're not stirring anything up. You have to realize that I put all of about 5 mins worth of effort into both VOLS. It was just a joke I typed up while waiting for phone calls. There was no more effort put into it than I'm putting into this answer, probably less. I was just using an adjective that popped into my head at the second I was typing. The fact that there actually IS a term "crescent sun" doesn't surprise me and I vaguely remember the term, but I wasn't referencing it in the sentence. Merely a coincidence. Actually, I appreciated the url...cool pic.

Reply to
twaldron

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