Just imagine, if twaldron took his own wheeling advice......
It was a fine spring morning and twaldron was thrilled to be hitting the trail for a hard day of wheeling. He set out for the trailhead in his shiny new jeep liberty. Joshua had tried to tell twaldron that the newer jeep models such as the Liberty weren't quite as capable as the older YJs and CJs, but twaldron knew better. "Newer is better!" he remarked to himself as he lovingly caressed his leather-wrapped steering wheel.
Twaldron had stuck with the stock suspension and tires on his KJ, because as he had frequently told Joshua, lift and clearance are not even remotely the most important considerations when wheeling. It's all about driver skill! And twaldron was sure he had plenty of that.
Besides, the modifications he did have were truly amazing. The Liberty was powered by a mighty 2-cycle 1-cylinder Briggs and Stratton engine, because twaldron knew that extra cylinders were good for nothing. Twalrdron laughed amusedly to himself as he thought about pathetic Joshua, stuck with a miserable V-8 engine, when he could have done just as well with far fewer cylinders. And the awful fuel economy and damage to the environment that Joshua incurred! What a Luddite, twaldron tut-tutted to himself, as he glanced admiringly at the "Greenpeace" and "Earth First!" stickers adorning his own windshield. "I do just fine with my single cylinder," he told himself. (And truth be told, it was somewhat impressive: It was the largest sized 1-cylinder that could be found, since twaldron held the somewhat strange combination of views that fewer cylinders were better, but there was no replacement for displacement.)
Finally, twaldron reached the steep incline of a rocky slope and started up the embankment. Snap! Crunch! Twang! Ka-ching! "Uh oh," twaldron thought, as the Liberty came crunching to a stop a short way up the hill. He got out and looked at the Liberty, and noticed numerous fluids pouring from the underside of the jeep. "Damn the luck!" he thought. "I'm going to have to winch up the side of this hill!"
As luck would have it, a group of Jeepers were passing along the top of the ridge, and happened to look down and notice twaldron flailing on the rocks. One of them had a winch, and offered to pull twaldron up the slope. "Well," said twaldron, "how big is your winch?"
"It's rated 8000 pounds!" came the reply.
"Hmph!" snorted twaldron. "You think I'm an idiot? You think a mere
8000 lb winch can pull my 3500 lb KJ? You need a winch capacity at least 500 times the weight of the vehicle. Piss off, you morons!"So the jeepers at the top of the ridge drove on past. The hours began to pass and though several groups of drivers stopped to offer help, none had a winch satisfactory to twaldron. (One fellow with a 14,000 lb winch did happen by, and twaldron briefly considered accepting his help, but it turned out the fool had used radio shack fuses to wire up the winch, and twaldron wasn't going to risk his jeep on such plainly inferior products.)
So twaldron gave up the idea of winching, and decided instead to ask for someone to simply tow him up the side of the incline with a tow strap. But again, he had the horrible luck of nothing but inferior vehicles coming his way. TJs, YJs, CJs, and a couple of Cherokees and Land Rovers all drove by and offered to tow him up the hill, but twaldron knew better than to accept help from such light vehicles. Why, their wheelbase, brakes, and drivetrain were simply not up to the task of towing a 3500+ pund vehicle. My goodness, it said so right there in the manufacturer's manual, after all!
Joshua had previously tried to tell twaldron that for short distance towing on back country roads it was ok to exceed Chrysler's instructions, but twaldron knew that was horse puckey. "You f****ing dipsh**ts think it's safe to tow a KJ with a CJ?" he said incredulously to one particularly stupid group of drivers, "You're obviously not the supreme off-roading expert that I am!"
By now it was evening and the sun was starting to set. Still, nothing but vehicles unacceptable to twaldron's standards came by. And then, at long last, god smiled on twaldron, and a Ford F-550 diesel truck was spotted meandering along the top of the ridge. Twaldron was beside himself with joy; here at last was someone worthy of helping him up the trail. He flagged the driver down and asked for his help.
Once they got the tow strap tied off to both vehicles, it was time to set up the safety equipment. "Only a fool such as Josh thinks that it's ok to bypass state law and common sense safety regulations for a short distance tow!" twaldron said smugly to himself. So he proceeded to hook up emergency lights to the tail of his Libby, then wire them to the F-550's electrical system. Next it was time to interconnect the brake lines, and to disconnect the driveshafts and unlock the hubs as was mandatory for a flat tow. Then he flagged down a couple of escort vehicles to drive before and after with signal flags and flashing lights. (They were plainly inferior CJs, but they were only escorts, after all, and it was now nearly midnight and twaldron had lost patience with waiting around for other worthy drivers of his caliber.)
At long last, the F-550 began to pull forward at the top of the hill, and the Libby began to move. Crash! Snap! Twang! went the sounds of the Libby's undercarriage breaking against the rocks, but at least he was moving. Finally he got to the top of the hill, and after two more hours of disconnecting all the safety equipment and reconnecting his driveshafts, he thanked the other drivers and sent them on their way.
Another hill conquered! All was right with the world, and twaldron, expert four-wheeler, was delighted with his wheeling prowess. He smiled happily to himself, and began the long walk to a phone booth to call a tow truck to get his Liberty home.