- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- No one is listening until you fart.
- Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything
- Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
- Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
- Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot
- Duct Tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt. Then things get worse.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
- There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them