I AM IN FAVOR OF WEAPONS-GRADE LASERS BEHIND MY GRILLE

Forget the strobe lights, the flashing LEDs, the brake lights that get brighter when you brake harder, 'intelligent roads', or radar-activated brakes. We don't need any of that to make the roadway safer. What we need is a strong measure of that good old standby: abject human fear.

It used to be that the cops would inject all the fear needed into the roadway to keep things straight. If you failed to use your turn signal, sped 40MPH over the limit, or just generally behaved like an asshole when behind the wheel, the cops would come along and write you a ticket. For big violations you'd stand a decent chance of spending a night in jail waiting to sort things out before the judge, that is if you didn't get the living hell beaten out of you on your way to the station. Of course, the old double-nickle 55MPH speed limit and the multitude of DWB infractions put an end to all that when everyone realized that traffic laws were just arbitrary bullshit that the cops could enforce according to their whim. Net result? Nobody in white America is really afraid of the cops anymore, and they drive however the f*** they want until they see one while they're doing 90.

So I think it's time to bring back fear, and the best way I know of is to introduce the spectre of instantaneous death for driving like...well, like most of you drive, frankly. Here's my modest proposal:

Just give me and a few of my carefully chosen deputies the legal right and/or obligation to instantly fry you from behind by laser for driving poorly, e.g.: recklessly, inattentively, drunk, high, sleepy, watching music videos, reading the newspaper, applying makeup or shaving, failing to yield the right of way, failing to signal, failing to travel at the 80th percentile speed, failing to keep working lights or other safety equipment operating properly on your vehicle, failing to drive something that _doesn't_belong in a bodyshop or junkyard, tailgating in a snow/rain storm, or failing to keep children properly restrained, and we'll see how long it t akes y'all to clean up your act. I promise to aim well for a merciful kill--as a native-born Michigander, I'm a good shot--and I'll be careful to arrange things so your smoldering wreckage goes straight into the nearest ditch, lake, or national television network front lobby so nothing of any value will be harmed as a consequence. Oh, and by the way, I'll be happy to perform the service for your insurance company of brokering the salvage title for the target vehicle to passers by, that is, after the news media takes their leave. DatelineNBC gets first dibs, however, for obvious reasons.

This is not a technology that should be available to everyone, it should only be available to myself and a select few others, so don't worry about a massive war on the roadways. I guarantee I can have things all cleaned up in a fortnight or two. I promise, cross my heart, that I won't nuke anyone who isn't violating at least five traffic and/or vehicle equipment laws near-simultaneously. It won't be hard to find a few good cases with at least that many violations to make an example of, and after I barbeque a few Silverados or Accords, maybe even the odd Pacifica or two, I'm sure everyone else will start taking this rules of the road shit seriously again and the accident fatality rates will drop to next to nothing practically overnight. I'll even work for free; hell, I'll even pay for my own gas if somebody funds the lasers and the modifications to the vehicles. To sweeten the deal, I'll even wear a tie, just to let the world know I'm being professional about it!

My only question for the group is, how much laser do I need to blow a 6" hole through the back of the average SUV and where do I get one? Gov't surplus? Any of you EEs out there think 40KW would do it?

--Geoff :-)

Reply to
Geoff
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LOL!

Ted

Reply to
Ted Mittelstaedt

ROTFLMFAO! Too cool!

-- Andy - Newsgroup lurker

Reply to
Andy Janssen

Make it powerful enough to instantly vaporize...no cleanup...no evidence. :-) If I'm good, can I get one?

Reply to
James C. Reeves

can I have one in the front AND the back of the car? please?

m
Reply to
pottsy

"Geoff" wrote in news:ttidnTGJCr snipped-for-privacy@wideopenwest.com:

No way. You need Air Borne Laser-level energy density, maybe Boeing will sell you the prototype once they get the ABL system working.

Call the fine folks at Kirtland AFB for more information. :-)

Jeff

Reply to
Jeff Miller

i'll take two

Reply to
A non e mus

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