I, Robot Colin Grainger 8th September 2007.
The First Law-Do what your government tells you and believe everything they say. The Second Law-Follow the misguided ranting of the control-freaks, nannies and zealots. The Third Law-Do nothing, absolutely nothing, which contradicts the First or Second Laws. You, Robot, are a cash machine. Your Government demands that you are educated, then employed, and constantly productive. You, Robot, are not here to enjoy yourself; you are not expected to have fun, especially if there are risks attached to that fun. You are not expected to make decisions that run counter to your programming. The carrying out of any activity that jeopardises the flow of cash, from you to the Treasurer, is punishable. If you, Robot, are infected with bugs, or a virus, or if any of your major components malfunction, it is of your own making, and you will not be repaired. Only functioning Robots are eligible for repair. Good Robots do not ingest substances claimed to harm their circuits or major components. Good Robots who exercise routine maintenance are to be revered, admired, and they have the Government's full permission to look down upon the Bad Robots. The Government has encouraged, and will continue to encourage this behaviour. That the Bad Robots pay nine times more than the Good Robots for their maintenance is neither here nor there. The Good Robots have been programmed to delete this information from their hard drives. The Technicians who run Robot Repair and Maintenance have been instructed to repeat, without question, the words of The Suppliers. The Suppliers manufacture remedies and cures for Bad Robots, then, with Governments permission, they manufacture the faults to go with them. The Suppliers are always to be treated like Gods. Do not deviate from this train of thought. The Government and the Good Robots have also been programmed to delete any incidents where The Suppliers were responsible for the unforeseen damage or termination of any Bad Robots. That some Good Robots were also damaged or terminated because of the faulty repair modules is neither here nor there. Delete this data. We, the Government, are issuing this Notice in order to support the fledgling Welsh Assembly. They recently announced that none of their Robots, Good or Bad, will ingest the wrong liquids during their sanctioned and unpaid break in the middle of the productive day. The ingestion of these fluids, also said to be medically beneficial, a relaxation tool, and a means of social interaction with other Robots, is hereby outlawed. We appreciate that this Decree only affects some 5000 Robots who would normally spend their money at Fluid Centres during their break, but we do not expect this to impact negatively on the proprietors of the Fluid Centres. A small cadre of Special Robots told us so. We haven't checked their data because we are too busy gathering credits for when we retire, or we are too busy pursuing Very Bad Robots in other countries. If it appears that we are incorrect, Agents of the Press are strongly advised to suppress this data. We do not wish to appear as if we have not fully calculated the anticipated outcome of such an action. We are infallible. We further order that absolutely zero notice, or importance, be placed upon the article linked to below. The recent indoor smoking prohibition is a runaway success. No Fluid Centre proprietors, no Club operators, no restaurant owners, and no bingo hall operatives are suffering any financial loss whatsoever. No venue has closed down. No Robots are feeling the effects of our Prohibition. There is no increased social isolation. All venues are compliant. No Robots have been negatively affected. None. There is nothing to see here. You are instructed to move on. The Agents of the Press, in this case, the increasingly outspoken Publican magazine, is quite wrong. The Fluid Sellers quoted here are Bad Robots. Their circuits have been compromised and their routines are faulty. Ignore them. The Author of this completely incorrect version of our treatment of the Bad Robots is one Pete Robinson. He is a Bad Robot. Pay no attention to him. He was not assimilated. But we will get him. Oh yes. We will get all of you. Your Government has spoken. Our word is Law.