Chrysler leader: Be grateful, be afraid
The latest bizarre bombshell from Chrysler LLC was posted at 10:09 a.m. Friday on the Auburn Hills automaker's internal electronic bulletin board, under the grandiose heading, "Messages From Our Leaders."
This communique came from The Leader himself, Chief Executive Officer Robert Nardelli.
It began with an opening paragraph larded with scary adjectives:
# The times for the auto industry are not just unimaginable, but "truly unimaginable," he wrote. And also "challenging," he added three sentences later.
# The current economic period is not just difficult, but "the most difficult any of us can remember."
# Consumer confidence is not only declining, but "continues to weigh on the economy."
# Financial markets are "troubled."
This ominous phrasing was intended to make it clear that The Leader has been confronted with so many evil external obstacles that despite his extraordinary, benevolent efforts, he simply cannot protect and feed all of his precious people any longer.
So he must send 25% of his salaried subjects away, to the barren landscape outside the boundaries of Chrysler.
"As always" -- a telling preface indicating that The Leader has much experience with such matters -- "we will strive to do this in a socially responsible way, with respect and gratitude to those who have contributed so much to our company over the years," he wrote.
The Leader is not merely generous, but truly magnanimous.
In addition to sending 25% of his subjects away with respect and gratitude, he has promised future exiles who take voluntary buyouts "enhanced benefits," including cash, a half-year of health care coverage and new-vehicle vouchers worth up to $25,000 toward the purchase of a new Chrysler.
It's hearing about goodies such as the vouchers that will make Chrysler's unwanted subjects grateful that they are being dumped by an automobile company as opposed to, say, a newspaper company, where the voucher might be for only a paid newspaper subscription.
As just one more incentive to persuade subjects to sign up for the buyout, The Leader pledged that it will still "be necessary to have involuntary separation actions at the end of December."
So, dear subjects, sign up for the voluntary buyout now.
Otherwise, take your chances on getting the ziggy right after Christmas, when the company might be controlled by General Motors Corp. or Nissan-Renault or the Sultan of Brunei.
The Leader also had inspirational words for the 75% left behind when the exiles are gone:
"We need to work harder and more diligently to control every expense," he wrote.
Sounds like fun.
Good luck to everyone in Auburn Hills.
You'll need it.