HO HO HO!!!

delivery, or use high quality beef or pork roasts (it is cheaper and better to cut up a whole roast than to buy stew meat).

1 stillbirth, de-boned and cubed ¼ cup vegetable oil 2 large onions bell pepper celery garlic ½ cup red wine 3 Irish potatoes 2 large carrots

This is a simple classic stew that makes natural gravy, thus it does not have to be thickened. Brown the meat quickly in very hot oil, remove and set aside. Brown the onions, celery, pepper and garlic. De-glaze with wine, return meat to the pan and season well. Stew on low fire adding small amounts of water and seasoning as necessary. After at least half an hour, add the carrots and potatoes, and simmer till root vegetables break with a fork. Cook a fresh pot of long grained white rice.

Pre-mie Pot Pie

When working with prematurely delivered newborns (or chicken) use sherry; red wine with beef (buy steak or roast, do not pre-boil).

Pie crust (see index) Whole fresh pre-mie; eviscerated, head, hands and feet removed Onions, bell pepper, celery ½ cup wine Root vegetables of choice (turnips, carrots, potatoes, etc) cubed

Make a crust from scratch - or go shamefully to the frozen food section of your favorite grocery and select 2 high quality pie crusts (you will need one for the top also). Boil the prepared delicacy until the meat starts to come off the bones. Remove, de-bone and cube; continue to reduce the broth. Brown the onions, peppers and celery. Add the meat then season, continue browning. De-glaze with sherry, add the reduced broth. Finally, put in the root vegetables and simmer for 15 minutes. Allow to cool slightly. Place the pie pan in 375 degree oven for a few minut

Another layer each of meat, gravy, and cheese. Then bake at 350° for 45 minutes. Serve on hot pasta with romano cheese.

Southern Fried Small-fry

Tastes like fried chicken, which works just as well. In fact you may want to practice cutting up whole chickens for frying before you go for the real thing. Whole chicken is much more efficient and inexpensive than buying pieces.

1 tiny human, cut into pieces 2 cups flour Onion, garlic Salt pepper garlic powder cayenne pepper hot sauce, etc. Oil for frying

Mix milk, eggs, hot sauce in a bowl, add chopped onion and garlic. Season the meat liberally, and marinate for several hours. Place seasoned flour in a paper or plastic shopping bag, drop pieces in a few a time, shake to coat thoroughly, then deep fry in hot oil (350°) for about 15 minutes. Drain and place on paper towels.

Miscarriage with Mustard Greens

Why waste it? Otherwise, and in general, use ham or salt pork to season greens. The technique of smothering greens can be used with many vegetables; green beans work especially well. Meat is not necessary every day, don?t be afraid to alter any dish to vegetarian tastes.

1 premature baby, born dead Large bunch of mustard greens 2 white onions,

*********** Yeah: it was *alot* more than I expected! ~ Paul aka "Tha Driver"

head, hands and feet removed Onions, bell pepper, celery ½ cup wine Root vegetables of choice (turnips, carrots, potatoes, etc) cubed

Make a crust from scratch - or go shamefully to the frozen food section of your favorite grocery and select 2 high quality pie crusts (you will need one for the top also). Boil the prepared delicacy until the meat starts to come off the bones. Remove, de-bone and cube; continue to reduce the broth. Brown the onions, peppers and celery. Add the meat then season, continue browning. De-glaze with sherry, add the reduced broth. Finally, put in the root vegetables and simmer for 15 minutes. Allow to cool slightly. Place the pie pan in 375 degree oven for a few minutes so bottom crust is not soggy, reduce oven to 325. Fill the pie with stew, place top crust and with a fork, seal the crusts together then poke holes in top. Return to oven and bake for 30 minutes, or until pie crust is golden brown.

Sudden Infant Death Soup

SIDS: delicious in winter, comparable to old fashioned Beef and Vegetable Soup. Its free,

then add the carcass. Simmer for half an hour keeping the stock thick. Remove the carcass and add the vegetables slowly to the stock, so that it remains boiling the whole time. Cover the pot and simmer till vegetables are tender (2 hours approximately). Continue seasoning to taste. Before serving, add butter and pasta, serve piping with hot bread and butter.

Offspring Rolls

Similar to Vietnamese style fried rolls, they have lots of meat (of course this can consist of chicken, beef, pork, or shrimp). Who can resist this classic appetizer; or light lunch served with a fresh salad? Versatility is probably this recipe?s greatest virtue, as one can use the best part of a prime, rare, yearling, or the morticians occasional horror: a small miracle stopped short by a drunk driver, or the innocent victim of a drive-by shooting...

2 cups finely chopped very young human flesh 1 cup shredded cabbage 1 cup bean sprouts 5 sprigs green onion, finely chopped 5 cloves minced garlic 4-6 ounces bamboo shoots Sherry chicken broth oil for deep frying (1 gallon) Salt pepper soy & teriyaki minced ginger, etc. 1 tablespoon cornstarch dissolved in a little cold water 1 egg beaten

Make the stuffing: Marinate the flesh in a mixture of soy and teriyaki sauces then stir fry in hot

4 ears corn 1 box salt crab boil

Bring 3 gallons of water to a boil. Add sausage, salt, crab boil, lemons and garlic. Drop potatoes in, boil for 4 minutes. Corn is added next, boil an additional 11 minutes. Put the live babies into the boiling water and cover. Boil till meat comes off easily with a fork.

Oven-Baked Baby-Back Ribs

Beef ribs or pork ribs can be used in this recipe, and that is exactly what your dinner guests will assume! An excellent way to expose the uninitiated to this highly misunderstood yet succulent source of protein.

2 human baby rib racks 3 cups barbecue sauce or honey glaze (see index) Salt black pepper white pepper paprika

Remove the silverskin by loosening from the edges, then stripping off. Season generously, rubbing the mixture into the baby?s flesh. Place 1 quart water in a baking pan, the meat on a wire rack. Bake uncovered in 250° oven for 1½ hours. When browned, remove and glaze, return to oven and bake 20 minutes more to form a glaze. Cut ribs into individual pieces and serve with extra sauce.

Fresh Sausage

If it becomes necessary to hide the fact that you are eating human babies, this is the perfect solution. But if you are still paranoid, you can substitute pork butt.

5 lb. lean chuck roast 3 lb. prime baby butt 2 tablespoons each: salt black, white and cayenne peppers celery salt garlic powder parsley flakes brown sugar 1 teaspoon sage 2 onions 6 cloves garlic bunch green onions, chop

in a little cold water

1 egg beaten

Make the stuffing: Marinate the flesh in a mixture of soy and teriyaki sauces then stir fry in hot oil for till brown - about 1 minute, remove. Stir-fry the vegetables. Put the meat back into the wok and adjust the seasoning. De-glaze with sherry, cooking off the alcohol. Add broth (optional) cook a few more minutes. Add the cornstarch, cook a few minutes till thick, then place the stuffing into a colander and cool; 2 hours Wrap the rolls: Place 3 tablespoons of stuffing in the wrap, roll tightly - corner nearest you first, fold 2 side corners in, wrap till remaining corner is left. Brush with egg, seal, and allow to sit on the seal for a few minutes. Fry the rolls: 325° if using egg roll wraps, 350° for spring roll wraps. Deep fry in peanut oil till crispy golden brown, drain on paper towels.

Lemon Neonate

Turkey serves just as well, and in fact even looks a bit like a well-dressed baby. By the time you turn the child?s breast into cutlets, it will be indistinguishable. The taste of young human, although similar to turkey (and chicken) often can be wildly different depending upon what he or she has consumed during its

10 to 14 months of life...

4 well chosen cutlets (from the breasts of 2 healthy neonates)

2 large lemons (fresh lemons always, if possible) Olive oil Green onions Salt pepper cornstarch neonate stock (chicken, or turkey stock is fine) garlic parsley fresh cracked black pepper

Season and sauté the cutlets in olive oil till golden brown, remove. Add the garlic and onions and cook down a bit. Add some lemon juice and some zest, then de-glaze with stock. Add a little cornstarch (dissolved in cold water) to the sauce. You are just a

or until pie crust is golden brown.

Sudden Infant Death Soup

SIDS: delicious in winter, comparable to old fashioned Beef and Vegetable Soup. Its free, you can sell the crib, baby clothes, toys, stroller... and so easy to procure if such a lucky find is at hand (just pick him up from the crib and he?s good to go)!

SIDS victim, cleaned ½ cup cooking oil Carrots onions broccoli whole cabbage fresh green beans potato turnip celery tomato ½ stick butter

1 cup cooked pasta (macaroni, shells, etc.)

Remove as much meat as possible, cube, and brown in hot oil. Add a little water, season, then add the carcass. Simmer for half an hour keeping the stock thick. Remove the carcass and add the vegetables slowly to the stock, so that it remains boiling the whole time. Cover the pot and simmer till vegetables are tender (2 hours approximately). Continue seasoning to taste. Before serving, add butter and pasta, serve piping with hot bread and butter.

Offspring Rolls

Similar to Vietnamese style fried rolls, they have lots of meat (of course this can consist of chicken, beef, pork, or shrimp). Who can resist this classic appetizer; or light lunch served with a fresh salad? Versatility is probably this recipe?s greatest virtue, as one can use the best part of a prime, rare, yearling, or the morticians occasional horror: a small miracle stopped short by a drunk dr

Onions bell peppers Wooden or metal skewers

Marinate the meat overnight. Get the grill good and hot while placing meat, vegetables, and fruit such as pineapples or cherries on the skewers. Don?t be afraid to use a variety of meats. Grill to medium rare, serve with garlic cous-cous and sautéed asparagus. Coffee and sherbet for desert then walnuts, cheese, and port. Cigars for the gentlemen (and ladies if they so desire)!

Crock-Pot Crack Baby

When the quivering, hopelessly addicted crack baby succumbs to death, get him immediately butchered and into the crock-pot, so that any remaining toxins will not be fatal. But don?t cook it too long, because like Blowfish, there is a perfect medium between the poisonous and the stimulating. Though it may not have the same effect on your guests, a whole chicken cooked in this fashion is also mighty tasty.

1 newborn - cocaine addicted, freshly expired, cleaned and butchered Carrots onions leeks celery bell pepper potatoes Salt pepper garlic, etc 4 c

Best to you and yours, Bill and please pass on a special Thank You to your son and his friend inservice.

Hey, ya know that Jake doesn't approve of running without a decklid. :) Methinks he's being prudish or something.

lbs. coarsely chopped vegetables (carrots, potatoes, turnips, cauliflower, cabbage...) Bell pepper onions garlic ginger salt pepper, etc. Olive oil butter

Brown the meat and some chopped onions, peppers, and garilic in olive oil, place in baking dish, layer with vegetables seasoning and butter. Bake at 325° for 30 - 45 minutes. Serve with hot dinner rolls, fruit salad and sparkling water.

Bébé Buffet 1

Show off with whole roasted children replete with apples in mouths - and babies? heads stuffed with wild rice. Or keep it simple with a hearty main course such as stew, lasagna, or meat loaf.

Some suggestions

Pre-mie pot pies, beef stew, leg of lamb, stuffed chicken, roast pork spiral ham, Cranberry pineapple salad, sweet potatoes in butter, vegetable platter, tossed salad with tomato and avocado, parsley new potatoes, spinich cucumber salad, fruit salad Bran muffins, dinner rolls, soft breadsticks, rice pilaf, croissants Apple cake with rum sauce, frosted banana nut bread sherbet, home made brownies Iced tea, water, beer, bloody marys, lemonade, coffee

The guests select food, beverages, silverware... everything from the buffet table. They move to wherever they are comfortable, and sit with whoever they choose. Provide trays so your guests will not spill everything all over your house from carrying too much, nor will they

...........Same here Bill. Your son and his friend deserve a special thanks from us all.

I got a Canon digital video camera, a Linksys 802.11g wireless 4-port router, some shirts that I will exchange, some socks which I actually needed, some comfy slippers made out of that polarfleece material they line Lands End jacket with, a $50 gift cert to (horror) Fry's, a box of nuts from Hickory Farms and a Hildebrandt Brothers LOTR wall calendar. I'll probably get some more stuff delivered too.

It was a good holiday but hardly relaxing. ;)

I usually build fires in the middle of the living room. Do you get less smoke if you build them in the fireplace?

yet succulent source of protein.

2 human baby rib racks 3 cups barbecue sauce or honey glaze (see index) Salt black pepper white pepper paprika

Remove the silverskin by loosening from the edges, then stripping off. Season generously, rubbing the mixture into the baby?s flesh. Place 1 quart water in a baking pan, the meat on a wire rack. Bake uncovered in 250° oven for 1½ hours. When browned, remove and glaze, return to oven and bake 20 minutes more to form a glaze. Cut ribs into individual pieces and serve with extra sauce.

Fresh Sausage

If it becomes necessary to hide the fact that you are eating human babies, this is the perfect solution. But if you are still paranoid, you can substitute pork butt.

5 lb. lean chuck roast 3 lb. prime baby butt 2 tablespoons each: salt black, white and cayenne peppers celery salt garlic powder parsley flakes brown sugar 1 teaspoon sage 2 onions 6 cloves garlic bunch green onions, chopped

Cut the children?s butts and the beef roast into pieces that will fit in the grinder. Run the meat through using a 3/16 grinding plate. Add garlic, onions and seasoning then mix well. Add just enough water fo

Any of y'all have experience with a heater like this one?

pan. Bake in 325° oven covered for 2 hours. Remove cover, stick a cooking thermometer deep into one of the baby?s buttocks and cook uncovered till thermometer reads 190°, about another hour.

Pro-Choice Po-Boy

Soft-shelled crabs serve just as well in this classic southern delicacy. The sandwich originated in New Orleans, where an abundance of abortion clinics thrive and hot French bread is always available.

2 cleaned fetuses, head on 2 eggs 1 tablespoon yellow mustard 1 cup seasoned flour oil enough for deep frying 1 loaf French bread Lettuce tomatoes mayonnaise, etc.

Marinate the fetuses in the egg-mustard mixture. Dredge thoroughly in flour. Fry at 375° until crispy golden brown. Remove and place on paper towels.

Holiday Youngster

One can easily adapt this recipe to ham, though as presented, it violates no religious taboos against swine.

1 large toddler or small child, cleaned and de-headed Kentucky Bourbon Sauce (see index) 1 large can pineapple slices Whole cloves

Place him (or ham) or her in a large glass baking dish, buttocks up. Tie with butcher string around and across so that he looks like he?s crawling. Glaze, then arrange pineapples and secure with cloves. Bake uncovered in 350° oven till thermometer reaches 160°.

Cajun Babies

Just like crabs or crawfish, babies are boiled alive! You don?t need silverware, the hot spicy meat comes off in your hands.

6 live babies 1 lb. smoked sausage 4 lemons whole garlic 2 lb. new potatoes 4 ears corn 1 box salt crab boil

Bring 3 gallons of water to a boil. Add sausage, salt, crab boil, lemons and garlic. Drop potatoes in, boil for 4 minutes. Corn is added next, boil an additional 11 minutes. Put the live babies into the boiling water and cover. Boil till meat comes off easily with a fork.

Oven-

There ya go! HO HO HO!!! I'm having a Seagram's 7 and Coke for something slightly different tonight and watching some episodes from "Six Feet Under." (rented them from Blockbuster) Interesting series to check out if you haven't already. We had a spiral ham for xmas dinner earlier. I cut off the rest o' the ham and wound up with a HUGE hambone with LOTS of meat and fat hanging off of it so I cut it into 2 pieces. Froze one of them for later and dumped the other one in the crock pot along with a bag of dried "great northern beans" and a couple of tablespoons of minced garlic and a chopped-up onion and a few cups of water. Should be good for lunch tomorrow. MMMM... HO HO HO!!!!!!!! This Seagrams stuff isn't so bad after all. I'll have to stop calling people "girlie men" for drinking it now, I guess. :-D HO.... FREAKIN' HO.... FREAKIN' HO!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D ***NINE*** more days off in a row with no work!!!!!! HO........ HO........ HO...... (going insane already trying to figure out what to do with the time off) HO............ HO........... HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!