Little motor: "Grandpa, why do you have 4 wires and I only have two?" Big motor: "That's just a phase that's going through you."
© Kevin D. Wilkerson 2005-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Photon relations
One photon to another: I am sick and tired of your interference.
I wrote this many years ago for the sci.optics news group, so it must be public domain by now.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Luck
A man was complaining about his life to his clergyman.
"I was a hard-working clerk making $30,000 per year. I was frugal, living carefully, saving my money, and I was happy and content. Then one day I fell in with some shady characters and I got suckered into a high-stakes poker game. That was my ruin. Now I am anxious, stressed, and miserable."
His friend says "So you fell into temptation and lost all your savings?" "No, I won, and like a fool I bought this lousy internet company."
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lesson
As Entrepreneurs we tend to want to teach our children the lessons that we have learned. Sometimes this is confusing to them. One entrepreneur sat his four year old son down and said "It's time for your lesson." What's two plus two? The little boy said "Two plus two is Six." "No, son," his father said, two plus two is not six. "Two plus two is four." "I'm sorry, father," said the little boy. "I thought we were negotiating."
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Teamwork
An engineering manager was once asked his definition of "Teamwork."
He said "Teamwork is where everyone in the department is doing what I tell them without whining.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Invention If necessity is the mother of invention, why are there so many unnecessary inventions?
This joke is in the public domain
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This one is too cute (and topical) to pass up. A story at The Onion
I Enjoy Being a Battery By a Nine-Volt Battery
Enjoy being battery! Enjoy providing power for! Nine volts power! Last very long! Keep providing power until die! Give power and power and more power until cannot give power anymore! Enjoy very much giving power! For the complete story click here
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Salt
There was the engineer that was putting sea water in his batteries without the boss knowing. He was arrested for salt-in-battery, but even though the charge wouldn't hold up, he is sitting in his cell serving an current sentence.
Contributed by Doug Elliot
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bats
Scientists have found a way to inject Bat genes into students. They ended up with engineers who like to be kept in the dark!
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pass/Fail
A new technician was put to work on the production line test station. "Just plug in the connector and read the voltage. If the voltage reads between 3 and 4 volts it passes. If not it fails, and you put it in the "fail" bin."
After his first shift he told his supervisor "I quit."
"What is the matter?" asked the supervisor, "the work can't be that hard."
"Oh, it isn't the work, that's easy. I'm going crazy with making all those decisions."
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Schedule One manager was bragging to another. "I have a great engineer working for me. Last week I gave him a project and he stayed up for six straight days, completed the circuit board design, finished the bill of materials and wrote a thousand lines of firmware. The completed projected was on my desk when I got to work on Monday morning."
His friend asked "So how far ahead of schedule was he?"
The manager said, "Ahead of schedule? Who ever heard of an engineer doing that?"
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Impressions Why did the battery-powered branding iron fail in the marketplace?
The calves weren't impressed by it.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sweet
What is cylindrical, sweet, brown, and has 10,000 ohms?
A chocolate-covered resistor.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Capital Equipment
An engineer walks into his boss's office and says "I want enough money to buy a new HP System Analyzer."
His boss says "Why do you need a System Analyzer?" The engineer says "I don't, I just want that much money."
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Book
I gave my nephew a book for his birthday. He went crazy trying to find where to put the batteries.
This joke is in the public domain
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Repair
A lady took her CD player into the repairman. "I am afraid you have a short circuit," he told her. She said "I don't care how much it costs, lengthen it."
This joke is in the public domain
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Job Requirements
To survive as a power supply designer you need just two things--a solid technical foundation and CPR.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Car battery
I took my car to my mechanic for a checkup. He told me that my battery needs a new car.
This joke is in the public domain
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Constructive Criticism
An engineer gets a call from his patent lawyer. "Good news," he says. "RCA just licensed your invention and left a check for a million dollars. Come over and sign the deal and pick up the check."
About two hours later the engineer finally shows up at the lawyer's office.
"What kept you?" said the attorney. "On the way out I decided to stop by the Chief Engineer's office and tell him what I thought of his latest circuit."
This joke is in the public domain
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shuttle Delay
The space shuttle pilot and co-pilot are sitting atop the rocket waiting for launch. Over the headphones they hear announced a ten minute delay. "Oh, no," said the pilot. The co-pilot said "no big deal, this happens all the time." The pilot said, "No, look at the monitor, they're bringing in jumper cables."
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not Perfect
A solar panel installer was up on a roof, when out of the sky a bolt of lightning strikes the roof, blowing him off the roof, across the street, and through the neighbor's picture window. He gets off the floor, turns to the startled family and says "That's the one thing I hate about this job."
This joke is in the public domain
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tags attached to laboratory equipment in the hope that it will prevent it from "walking off."
Danger: High Impedance
Warning: This device contains matter, which is known by the State of California to cause warpage of space and time.
Warning: Operate only while wearing a lead apron.
Notice: You are free to borrow this spectrum analyzer as long as you return it within 24 hours. And please let me know if you start itching or have trouble focusing your eyes while in the 100 MHz to 2 GHz range.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fireflies Scientists have developed a firefly that is 10,000 times brighter than a wild firefly. The only problem is that the firefly is a little disgruntled at being strapped to a five pound battery.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lyrics to "Who let the Smoke Out."
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo) (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo) (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo) (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo) Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
When the circuit was made, the product was sumpin' (Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo) And everybody proud of it all (Hah, ho, Yippie Yi Yo) I tell the fellas "start the thing pumpin" (Yippie Yi Yo) And the plug goes in to the wall
The smoke broke show brown
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo) Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo) Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo) Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
I see a little smoke puff-makin' some toast Lights really dim in the town Get blame off me, shame off me Rollout is gon' take a bit longer