Re: OT: Dealbreakers

"Cathy F."

Thanks. Too bad the one who should be taking it to heart, most likely won't.

I saw that. Maybe we should be glad he's sworn off women.

Natalie

"CharlesTheCurmudgeon" ...

You do realize you've confirmed everything I've said, right? Very low self-esteem. I'm trying to convince you that it's the root of your feeling of hopelessness. I'm relieved to learn you don't have a desire to go out and kill anyone (not necessarily women), but I'm still very saddened at how much you hate yourself.

I say stay away from anyone of either gender who is after material things from you, but it still sounds like you don't have very many close friends. If you've chosen to give up dating, I guess I'm not qualified to say you should keep trying, really. Monogamy isn't for everyone, anyway, but my concern is that you've dug this deep, dark, agonizing hole, when there are certainly (non-romantic) ways to improve your life. I just can't believe you *have* to be this miserable.

Natalie

P.S. I used to feel just as helpless as you sound in your posts. I firmly believe I still could have been a happy person if I'd never married. I was well on the way to being a happy, fulfilled *single* person, as a matter of fact.

Exactly. It seems as though his self-worth is all wrapped up in whether or not he's attached or single. Hello? I don't remember the statistics, but there are one helluva lot of single people, of all ages. And I can't imagine that they're all steeped in a miasma of gloom, instead of enjoying the other various aspects of life. Which then ties in with what you've said below...

Cathy

"Cathy F." ...

My happiness in life certainly isn't centered on my marriage. I feel very fortunate to have found Bob, but I don't pin all of my happiness on that fact! It's just a nice bonus. Further, if you base your entire life on your marriage, and your spouse dies or leaves you, you'll be lost, lonely, and clueless about how to make a life of your own. That happened to a lot of women back in the old days, since the only skills they had were housework. They usually ended up as -surprise - domestic workers of some type. Husband did all the finances, etc., so she ended up a helpless twit at the mercy of any who want to swindle her. So, even though things are certainly different from that now for the most part, there are still people (both genders) that are way too dependent on their spouses emotionally. I see it all the time. I think Charles thinks he isn't whole because of his marital status. No, he's not whole because he's looking for fullfilment in the wrong place. He needs to look at what he *can* do for himself. He has a serious health problem, no doubt, but there are people who are on oxygen

24/7, single, and doing everything within their physical capacity. A good example was Dick York of "Bewitched." He was married, but he spent most of his time working for charities from his home, despite later being wheelchair-bound and on oxygen around-the-clock. He didn't sit and lament about the fact that he had severe health problems (moreso than Charles, actually, going by what we've seen posted here). York found ways to make practical, yet fullfilling choices in his life. I've always admired him for that.

Natalie

"CharlesTheCurmudgeon"

Who says you have to emulate *anyone*?! You need to find a fit for yourself, rather than from others. It takes quite an effort, frankly, but isn't it worth it, to change your life for the better?

I think the reason they like being around you more in costume, is that you're probably in a much less gloomy mood than you are most of the time. Charles, I only know you from internet posts, but it sure looks like you'd be very bad company. Also, I think you probably approached many women with the same mixture of hope and dread that you express here. If you expect things to go badly, they always will. But your problem isn't just about women, I think. In fact, I don't think it's women primarily. If you never thought much of yourself, that persona will be glaringly obvious to anyone, and will be avoided. It occurs to me that perhaps some of the women you dated became what you dread as a way to push you away.

Dunno what planet Illinois is on, but I see plenty of redheads everywhere I've lived. You're right about using material "bait" to lure a mate. That's a complete mistake. Though, I think you need to be a whole lot more kind to

*yourself*, before you can give the same to anyone, of any gender.

Then go to another church. I've been to churches I found unsatisfactory for one reason or another. However, I still can't help thinking people react to the way you see yourself, rather than judging you, as you're convinced they do. Negative vibes are always very palpable.

Take this from me and please believe it: Once you get better self-esteem, you will not only be a whole lot happier, but you'll find that everyone around you will respond favorably. You may or may not find "her" - but you have to plan how to take care of *yourself* to get the warmth that seems to elude you.

That's glaringly obvious, but not impossible to obtain.

Volunteer at a senior center, hospice, animal shelter, or anywhere that volunteers are sorely needed. Go in with a focus on whatever the "mission" is, but try to be relaxed, cheerful (even if it hurts), and I guarantee you'll feel better. Don't go in expecting to fail, because you would definitely do so. Further, you'll see how actually fortunate you really are, by comparison.

There's a terrible cloud over you, Charles, and only *you* can change the forecast.

Natalie

Another excellent post; I hope he considers your points & takes them seriously, at least to a degree. I'm not about to hold my breath, but I hope so.

Cathy

"Cathy F." ...

You and me both.

Natalie